on death and dying.

In the last few months there have been two young women with children who passed in my community, one was very unexpectedly.  As the day of the arrival of my baby comes closer, those things hit significantly closer to home.  After a few minutes thinking about the husbands who will live without their wives, the young kids growing up without their mother, and the challenges they face, I quickly begin to mourn for them, and for all people who are in similar situations.  

A few nights after the second young woman passed away, I was laying in bed with my wife, Bethany, unable to fall asleep, so I spent some time reading posts on the Facebook page of one of these women.  Page after page of memories, prayers, and heartbreak.  After about ten minutes, I saw the irony.   I was laying next to my wife and I was playing on my phone, thinking about death, and how horrible it would be to not be able to be there for my family.  

For the moments I have with my wife, why am I spending them on a device?  In this season of my life when I feel pulled in so many different directions with school, work, and preparing for a child, why am I spending the small amount of time I have with her on my phone?  

Life is too short to be wasting away staring at a screen.  

baby carter 1.0

Since my wife contracted pregnancy... from me... it's been an awesome adventure.  As the arrival of my son or daughter comes closer, my heart has been filled with joy and fear and realizations.  Joyful of the moment when, God willing, our midwife let's me catch the baby, and I get to announce to the world whether it's a boy or girl... fear of my ability to care for a totally helpless human being, and realizations that as I age, my perspective rapidly changes.  

You may have seen this video .  A year ago, it wouldn't have pulled at me, but today life is different.  Today, I know that my child could come at any second and we could be in that situation.  Thinking about that stirs up a whirlwind of emotions in me, and rips me out of my seat.  Is everything ready?  Can we do this?  Are all the arrangements made?  What would happen to the baby?  Why haven't we set up the crib yet!?  

And in it all, I am learning more and more that Bethany and I, and our unborn child are in God's hands, in the shadow of His wings, no matter what that looks like.  And in the end, He wins. 

"And the peace of, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~Philippians 4:7

slow down

I am sitting at Rey Azteca, having just enjoyed the number 7 lunch special - a burrito, and I'm waiting for my car to finish undergoing an oil transplant.  When I was told it would be an hour and twenty minutes, it took everything in me to not say "never mind." I don't have 80 minutes to spare today. I have friends coming in town for the weekend, I'm having dinner with a family from church tonight, and I'm fortunate enough to see Trans-Siberian Orchestra at the Bryce Jordan Center... and I still have 5-6 pages to go on my 5-6 page paper on the literary structuring of the New Testament on Monday.

With all that going on, I also have this desire in me to hurry up 'n slow down.  I am addicted to feeling hurried, I think partially because it makes me feel important and useful. I'm so busy, people must need me, people must depend on me, I am necessary. Unfortunately, if I find my purpose through busy-ness, I'm missing out on a lot that God has for me.

When I've been hurrying around, sitting down to pray or read my Bible is nearly impossible. My brain doesn't go from full speed to "be still" with the flip of a switch. I find that my best time with God (and with friends and family) is when my whole day has not been hurried.  And I worry that when my baby comes, if I don't learn how to slow down now, I'll wish I had done things differently in 18 years (Steven Furtick wrote on article on this: read it here).

I'll still work hard. I'll still do what needs to be done. But I want to do it at the speed it was intended to be done.  Jesus walked, so why am I running around like a chicken with its head cut off?

poor in spirit

Last week at Youth Group we started a series on the beatitudes.  Our first one to tackle was "Blessed are the poor in spirit."  Here are a few reflections.  

Poor in spirit is all about my relationship with God.  To be poor in spirit is to realize my total dependence on God.  Notice that it's to "realize" dependence rather than becoming that way.  To become dependent assumes that I could do it on my own with enough money, will power, or physical strength.  To realize it means knowing that without Him I am nothing.  To realize it means knowing that the only way I am is that He first was.  I am totally dependent on God for life.

Living a dependent life is unnatural to me.  It's far easier to trust in my own understanding and to not acknowledge God (Proverbs 3:5-6).  It's easier to rely on the money, power, and strength that I have to offer, and hope for the best.  It's harder to be poor in spirit.

In light of that, here are a few things I've been doing to grow in poverty:

Reminding Myself
On my walk to work in the morning is a great time to pray.  In my prayer, I always try to declare my position before God.  "God, today I am going to depend on you."  And sometimes I'll mention a few ways I intend to do that.

I have to proclaim this daily because there's no guarantee I'll do it tomorrow.  By centering myself at the beginning of the day, it helps me to remember who God has made me to be.  If I'm a decent husband, youth worker, or worship leader, there is no one to praise except God.  If it was up to me, it would've been screwed up a long time ago.

Remind Myself
When something comes across my desk or my phone, I remind myself that I am dependent on God, and I seek God's direction, and then I act with everything that God has given me to accomplish the task.  

Blessed are the poor in spirit.

Forging the River.

As per usual, I've all but failed on my challenges for myself.  But as I sat here going through my list and thinking about the failure, I decided that I would take my own advice - keep on keeping on.

Why am I even doing these things?  To "accomplish" a list?  To be "productive"?  If that's the case, then yes, I might as well quit because I am terrible at these kinds of things.  However, if I created this list as a challenge to myself to try new things and to experience things (both inside and outside of my comfort zone) then there's no reason to quit.  Maybe I "check off" all 50 (impossible) or maybe I only check off 25 (more likely), but in the end, I was doing it for myself anyway.

The one thing I've really held onto is running, which is essentially a vanity issue, but regardless, it's been fun.  My wife and I have reinstated the "chore list" to guide us on our weekly duties since neither one of us are wired with the discipline of "sucking it up and doing it" and one of my responsibilities is deciding the menus... this, particularly will be helpful in experiencing the different diets I want to try.

And as the sun sticks around for more hours in the day, I'm already planning some backpacking trips for the spring/summer/fall.

Looking forward to the experiences of the future.

I hate blogging.

Truth is... I hate blogging.  I'm not quite sure why, but I'm beginning to wonder if maybe it has something to do with measuring up.  I read deep and intriguing blogs all the time and I think, "man I'd love to write like that."  When I sit down to do it, I find myself thinking "what can I write that will impact someone, that will interest someone, that people will want to read?"  But unfortunately, I'm not a creative writer.  In fact, I still have trouble remembering when to add a "," and when to leave it out.  So instead of writing something that is meant to impact someone, I'll just write about life.
I'm blogging for one reason today: I told myself I'd blog twice a month (and yes, the post where I said I would blog twice a month definitely counts toward January).  I've also been following through on a lot of the 50 Things in 2012.  Every week since the first of the year I've run, I've strength trained and I've been setting aside time to read through Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster and practicing the disciplines he writes about.
This month is meditation.  And I'll be honest, I'm not the most disciplined person in the world, so having discipline in my walk with God can be challenging.  But going through this book little by little has given me guidance and I've enjoyed it so far.  Foster talks about the difference between meditation that is often practiced by Eastern religions and Christian meditation.  The goal of the former is to empty their mind and detach from the world.  They want to merge with the Cosmic Mind to experience freedom from the brokenness and hurt of this life and escape "from the miserable wheel of existence."  But in Christian meditation the goal is to fill the mind with Christ and to experience a "richer attachment to God" (Foster 20, 21). 
I've found meditation to be very transformative as a person in ministry.  With the busyness of getting things done in time and always working on the next program, event or meeting, meditation brings me back to the root of it all.  It centers me on the One who is working through me for His eternal purpose.  When I get out of this discipline, my life becomes unbalanced and I forget to what ends I am working.  But when I focus my mind and heart on hearing God's voice, resting in His presence and reading His Word, I am able to find peace in the chaos and in the brokenness of my own life.  God reminds me in those moments that He is the one that calls me and that if I remain in Him and He in me, then I will bear much fruit.  But apart from Him, I can do nothing (John 15).
It's so easy to trust in the things that we can see... in the concrete... and in our own decisions rather than God's whispers.  But if we're willing to rest in God's presence... to listen... then God will speak.

50 Things In 2012

Snapped on the PA Turnpike (12/23/11)

Over breakfast today me, Bethany and my sister-in-law, Abigail were talking about new years resolutions.  She shared a blog her friend did for the last several years that we might enjoy doing.  Her friend calls it "101 Things for 2011".  It's a list of things that she wanted to accomplish during the coming year.  Some of them are for her, some of them are for others, some of them are simple and others take some time.  


I've decided to make a list for myself.  It's not to challenge myself to be a better person, it's just a reminder to myself to do the things I want to do, but that easily get put off until "next week" or "some other time."  So below here is the list, and I'll try to keep it updated as I go through the year on the home page.


{ Health and Fitness }
1. Get a physical checkup
2. Go to the dentist
3. Run an official 5k race
4. Take a class at the YMCA
5. Run once a week (0/5 misses)
6. Do strength training once a week (0/5 misses)
7. Lose 10 pounds (0/10)


{ Well-Being }
8. No TV for a month
9. Practice 1 discipline from Celebration of Discipline for a month, four times a month
10. Disconnect for 1 day (TV, phone, computer)

{ Connecting }
11. Send out Christmas cards
12. Send a care package
13. Write to someone I admire

{ Experience }
14. Try a new activity
15. Listen to live music
16. Attend a theater/play/ballet
17-21. Watch 5 "Classic" films (0/5)
22-26. Watch 5 documentaries (0/5)
27-28. Read 2 books independently (0/2)
29. Watch all three Lord of the Rings movies (0/3)

{ Cooking }
30. Eat only local ingredients for a week
31. Follow a Paleo diet for a week
32. Follow a vegetarian diet for a week
33. Follow a raw diet for a week

{ Pay it Forward }
34. Donate old stuff
35. Do a random act of kindness

{ Art & Projects }
36. Take a Class
37. Paint our bedroom
38. Paint the hallway
39. Finish writing and recording 1 song (0/1)
40. Purge and clean 1 room each month (0/1 miss)


{ Outdoor Activity }
41-44. Go on 4 overnight backpacking trips (0/4)
45-46. Go paddling down 2 new creeks (0/2)
47. Try a new outdoor activity

{ Going Green }
48. Only use reusable bags for shopping (0/5 misses)
49. Rid our home of paper products (besides toilet paper)

{ Blog-Improvement }
50. Blog twice a month

"Moss-Hanne"

Black Moshannon Lake is 250 acres and yesterday morning, I had the chance to explore a small portion of it.  When my wife and I were leaving our house around quarter 'til 9, the rain had already begun to fall.  Since we don't often get the same day off, we decided that regardless of rain, we were taking the kayaks out.

Local legend holds that Back Moshannon comes from the Native American word "Moss-Hanne" which means "moose stream."  The Department of Conservation and Natural Resources' website didn't mention why it was given the name "moose stream", however I suppose we can use our imaginations.





Aside from a drizzle, it was a beautiful day to paddle.  The fog was resting on the mountains, the flowers on the lily pads were open and because of the cool weather and forecast of rain, there were only a handful of people at the park and only one other boat on the lake.  It was a great day to explore.








At first glance, the Black Moshannon Lake doesn't appear to be breath-takingly large.  However, it does offer a lot if you're willing to work for it.  Lily pads cover large parts of the lake and if you take a few minutes to look around you can follow narrow paths through the pads and go very deep into the corners of the lake.  This gives some seclusion, quiet and the opportunity to see parts of the lake that few people see.  Truth be told, because of the immanent threat of a storm and the rumbling of thunder in the distance, we stuck moderately close to our dock.  That is one clear advantage to a warm, clear day.




We decided to bring Delilah with us despite the pain it is to counterbalance her fidgeting.  She did fairly well, but we learned that she demands to be in the lead.  At one point, Bethany paddled around Delilah and me and Delilah jumped out of my boat and after spending a second or two under water, shocked at the lack of solid ground beneath her paws, she swam to Bethany.  As she got closer to the edge it turned out was able to "trot" anywhere within 10 feet of the shore line.  Despite Delilah jumping ship with no warning I actually enjoyed having the extra leg room for a little while.

After paddling we found a pavilion on the lake and had lunch.  Our intention was to play an intense round of Yahtzee, but the temperature was only about 60, so we headed home.  We also managed to snatch a picture of the Black Mo sign on the way out.

A few of my favorite things...

So I'm starting another round of blogging.  This time I am just going to use it as an adventure blog.  Anything I do that is mildly exciting, I'll try to upload the pictures and write about them here.  This will serve two purposes: It will give me an opportunity to blog again and it will give me a reason to photo document our adventures instead of just clogging up hard drive space.

To start, I've decided to share some pictures of my most recent adventures to share as a beginning to this project (aka, I don't feel like waiting to start after my next adventure).

This is a picture taken from my first backpacking trip from Greenwood Furnace State Park to Bear Meadows Road.  Bethany (my wife), Tommy and I made a few critical errors on this hike which we'll never forget.  We took luxury items.  We camped on a steep, rocky slope because we thought, surely we'll come across another good site before we need to set up.  We didn't bring immodium.  The list could go on, but regardless, it was a great first backpacking trip.

This was my second backpacking trip.  Bethany and I hiked from Penns Roosevelt  State Park to Alan Seeger Natural Area and back.  Delilah joined us which was exciting because it was her first overnight backpacking trip and she did it like a champ.  She learned to swim, never gave up and slept under the stars without any hassle.  She's a beast dog.

These next two photos are from the BFT Tiadaghton State Forest.  This was by far the most beautiful backpacking trip I've ever been on.  There was a look out almost every mile and the gorge where these two pictures were taken was phenomenal.  Like it said, it was literally one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced.  The endless rolling of the Appalachian Mountains and the lush green canopy and under growth provided cool on a very hot day.


I found out later in Backpacker magazine that part of the BFT (which we only hiked about 12 miles of a 30 mile loop) is one of the hardest hikes in PA.  Bethany, Liz and I enjoyed a hard earned dinner at a local restaurant immediately following this hike.


I would love to get back up there in the fall to see the gorge while the leaves are changing.  I'd also like to take our kayaks up there in the Spring while Pine Creek is still high.  Perhaps the future will hold something like that for us.

In early June, Bethany and I traveled to Chicago for a family wedding and on the way we stopped at the Cleveland Zoo.  In the butterfly house, this particular butterfly must have found me to be a sexilicious human because she (I hope) wouldn't stop landing on me and doing a little dance on my finger, shoulder and ultimately, my face.  It was quite an experience.  I'm not sure I've ever loved a zoo as much as this zoo.

Shopping Around...

I remember my first big purchase like it was yesterday.  I wanted to buy a Nintendo 64 that came with a purple remote AND a gray remote.  If I recall, it also came with a game, maybe Diddy Kong Racing?  It was $130, which was a lot of money (and still is!).  I worked hard for that money.  I delivered newspapers to about 80 subscribers 6 days a week for 6.5 cents per paper per day.  In other words, for every paper I chucked into the bottom of a storm door, pumping up every dog in the neighborhood (not kidding), I was paid a nickel and a penny and another half of a penny.   (If my math is correct, I had to deliver 2000 newspapers before I could buy it!)  After 4 houses I already had more than a quarter!

I digress.  Back to the task.  When I went to buy that system, I remember my dad telling me, "make sure you shop around and look for the best deal, David."  As the years passed and I wanted a bass guitar... and then a PA system, and then an acoustic guitar and then a half stack... my dad always said the same thing... "make sure you shop around to find the best deal."  This is a lesson I have continued to abide by through all of my adult life.  I always look around at a few places before I buy anything.  Although it adds hours onto buying something it takes the pressure off of some purchases.  When I bought my first car a few months ago, I remember putting an offer on a vehicle knowing that if they didn't give me what I wanted I had a number of other potential vehicles that were up in the rankings.

The basic premise of my dad's suggestion has proven to be helpful.  When buying a new mattress and box spring last year, Bethany (my darling wife) and I went to a few places before we bought one.  We found one that we thought we liked at Mattress Store #1 but after "shopping around" we found that there was a better one waiting for us at Mattress Store #2.

Shopping around also has other benefits.  One thing I've learned about myself over the past several years is that I need to consider whether the item I'm thinking about buying is something I actually want.  After spending hours comparing prices and looking up reviews online, I might realize that the digital video camera that comes with a green screen (sophomore year of college) isn't something that I want to spend money on.  After borrowing one from a friend, an iPad (Fall 2010) might not be the best fit for what I'm looking for.  In one day, I am able to realize that I just want a gadget, but a DroidX (3 weeks ago) probably isn't going to end up being that useful of a tool to me (no matter how cool I'll look at Starbucks checking out apps in the Android Marketplace).  

I am an immediate gratification kind of guy.  My instinct is to buy an item as soon as I have an interest, not a few days later.  I realize that my response is similar to that of Michael Scott from the office (Season 3 - Episode 2) when Pam tells Michael it might take 8 months to adopt a baby from Asia and Michael says, "I don't even know if I'll want a baby in eight months." (I think I have literally said that to Bethany once... but not about a baby)  


By heeding the advice of my dad I have avoided many regrettable purchases.  I know I said I would probably end all of these with an apology of sorts to my parents, but for this one I want to say, "Thanks, dad."

You're gonna wish you had worked more...

me, mom and dad with the "I told you so" smile.

Welcome to "Momma always said..." where I share some of my life failures, namely, the ones where my mom and dad have the ability to say, "I told you so."  Since the day I left my house in 2005 to attend Eastern University I began to realize the things my mom and dad told me growing up - the things that all high school students believe are something that only "old people" worry about - were actually things I wish I would've listened to. What's sad is that, although I began to realize it in 2005, I continue to make those same bad decisions, even now.

The most recent realization I had (which inspired me to begin this blog) is one that has included 6 years of bad decisions.  When I was in high school my mom always told me that I was going to have to work really hard to pay for school because "you're not gonna want to be making loan payments for the rest of your life."  Summer after summer and semester after semester I constantly put working at the bottom of my priority list, choosing to go out with friends even when my bank account was under $100.  "It would be fine", I remember thinking.  I can explicitly remember justifying my actions to myself by saying, "this is the only time I will ever be in a situation like this, surrounded by friends at all times and staying up all night.  If I pass up one outing, I will have missed out on so much life."

Then came the summers when I would only work full time.  I remember my parents saying, "your sisters worked 60-70 hour weeks!  You need to work more."  I would like to say that I listened... that I barely had any student loans... that my student loans would be paid off in just a few years.  But, let's just say my student loans show my commitment to my friends.

Well, here I am.  Married, working and living.... wishing my student loan payment wasn't more expensive than my... I can't even say it.  It makes me cry.

So, as I expect I will be ending every one of these... Mom and dad, I'm so sorry I didn't listen to you.