on death and dying.

In the last few months there have been two young women with children who passed in my community, one was very unexpectedly.  As the day of the arrival of my baby comes closer, those things hit significantly closer to home.  After a few minutes thinking about the husbands who will live without their wives, the young kids growing up without their mother, and the challenges they face, I quickly begin to mourn for them, and for all people who are in similar situations.  

A few nights after the second young woman passed away, I was laying in bed with my wife, Bethany, unable to fall asleep, so I spent some time reading posts on the Facebook page of one of these women.  Page after page of memories, prayers, and heartbreak.  After about ten minutes, I saw the irony.   I was laying next to my wife and I was playing on my phone, thinking about death, and how horrible it would be to not be able to be there for my family.  

For the moments I have with my wife, why am I spending them on a device?  In this season of my life when I feel pulled in so many different directions with school, work, and preparing for a child, why am I spending the small amount of time I have with her on my phone?  

Life is too short to be wasting away staring at a screen.  

baby carter 1.0

Since my wife contracted pregnancy... from me... it's been an awesome adventure.  As the arrival of my son or daughter comes closer, my heart has been filled with joy and fear and realizations.  Joyful of the moment when, God willing, our midwife let's me catch the baby, and I get to announce to the world whether it's a boy or girl... fear of my ability to care for a totally helpless human being, and realizations that as I age, my perspective rapidly changes.  

You may have seen this video .  A year ago, it wouldn't have pulled at me, but today life is different.  Today, I know that my child could come at any second and we could be in that situation.  Thinking about that stirs up a whirlwind of emotions in me, and rips me out of my seat.  Is everything ready?  Can we do this?  Are all the arrangements made?  What would happen to the baby?  Why haven't we set up the crib yet!?  

And in it all, I am learning more and more that Bethany and I, and our unborn child are in God's hands, in the shadow of His wings, no matter what that looks like.  And in the end, He wins. 

"And the peace of, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~Philippians 4:7

slow down

I am sitting at Rey Azteca, having just enjoyed the number 7 lunch special - a burrito, and I'm waiting for my car to finish undergoing an oil transplant.  When I was told it would be an hour and twenty minutes, it took everything in me to not say "never mind." I don't have 80 minutes to spare today. I have friends coming in town for the weekend, I'm having dinner with a family from church tonight, and I'm fortunate enough to see Trans-Siberian Orchestra at the Bryce Jordan Center... and I still have 5-6 pages to go on my 5-6 page paper on the literary structuring of the New Testament on Monday.

With all that going on, I also have this desire in me to hurry up 'n slow down.  I am addicted to feeling hurried, I think partially because it makes me feel important and useful. I'm so busy, people must need me, people must depend on me, I am necessary. Unfortunately, if I find my purpose through busy-ness, I'm missing out on a lot that God has for me.

When I've been hurrying around, sitting down to pray or read my Bible is nearly impossible. My brain doesn't go from full speed to "be still" with the flip of a switch. I find that my best time with God (and with friends and family) is when my whole day has not been hurried.  And I worry that when my baby comes, if I don't learn how to slow down now, I'll wish I had done things differently in 18 years (Steven Furtick wrote on article on this: read it here).

I'll still work hard. I'll still do what needs to be done. But I want to do it at the speed it was intended to be done.  Jesus walked, so why am I running around like a chicken with its head cut off?

poor in spirit

Last week at Youth Group we started a series on the beatitudes.  Our first one to tackle was "Blessed are the poor in spirit."  Here are a few reflections.  

Poor in spirit is all about my relationship with God.  To be poor in spirit is to realize my total dependence on God.  Notice that it's to "realize" dependence rather than becoming that way.  To become dependent assumes that I could do it on my own with enough money, will power, or physical strength.  To realize it means knowing that without Him I am nothing.  To realize it means knowing that the only way I am is that He first was.  I am totally dependent on God for life.

Living a dependent life is unnatural to me.  It's far easier to trust in my own understanding and to not acknowledge God (Proverbs 3:5-6).  It's easier to rely on the money, power, and strength that I have to offer, and hope for the best.  It's harder to be poor in spirit.

In light of that, here are a few things I've been doing to grow in poverty:

Reminding Myself
On my walk to work in the morning is a great time to pray.  In my prayer, I always try to declare my position before God.  "God, today I am going to depend on you."  And sometimes I'll mention a few ways I intend to do that.

I have to proclaim this daily because there's no guarantee I'll do it tomorrow.  By centering myself at the beginning of the day, it helps me to remember who God has made me to be.  If I'm a decent husband, youth worker, or worship leader, there is no one to praise except God.  If it was up to me, it would've been screwed up a long time ago.

Remind Myself
When something comes across my desk or my phone, I remind myself that I am dependent on God, and I seek God's direction, and then I act with everything that God has given me to accomplish the task.  

Blessed are the poor in spirit.